How To Be SUPER Fit and Healthy

Some nice unhealthy food

Disclaimer: THE FOLLOWING TIPS ARE NOT MEANT LITERALLY OR FOR USE, THIS POST IS FOR COMEDIC PURPOSES ONLY.

Moo: Hello everybody, and welcome to the first joint blog. Today we will be talking to you about health. What larks.

Arbie: Right Moo. Yep we are birds… like why do I have to type in Italics? Why me? Anyways myself and Moo are cough cough extremely healthy people, aren’t we Moo?

Ooohhhh yeah. Totally. Carrots and broccoli all the way. So this is one of our “serious” blogs which means it’s going to be a load of mumbo jumbo and not a lot of fun to read but a lot to write. But at the rate Arbie is typing this could take some time.

Ummm excuse me?! I am not slow at typing! You are just trying to cover up the fact that you are slow! So there, ahhaa! By the way that’s our first tip to become the totally super healthy version of yourself that you will magically turn into after reading this- a super good cardio workout is typing, great for the finger muscles.

Yeah, but what she failed to mention there is that it took her over five minutes to type that small paragraph. Anyway, as you may have noticed, we love lists. Lists, lists, lists. So to continue with our trend, we will now present you with a list. Ta da!

The Ultimate Guide to becoming Super Skinny, Fit and Healthy by Arbie and Moo

1. When it goes past midnight you can eat whatever you want and not get fat. But caution! You must stop eating before 6 am as then the food will go straight to your hips. Science!

2. Ah yes, the “After 12” rule, very important. The next one is very important: NEVER LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. Ohhhh myyyyy gosssshhhhh never ever leave your house. Do you know what could happen? You could fall over and graze your knee, a mouse could get in your house while you’re away, you could wear the wrong shoes and look weird in front of your neighbours: the terrible possibilities are endless!

3. Forget your fruit and vegetables. It’s all LIES! Fat and sugar is the way forward! You never know when the next World War is going to happen or when the long predicted worldwide Zombie Apocalypse will break out. So start insulating your body now! This extra protection (basically homemade armour) will keep your vital organs safe for when you will be going to battle.

4. Don’t shower, I repeat, DON’T SHOWER. I mean, have you ever heard of The Witches by Roald Dahl? Well in it he explains that if you shower, then it rinses off all the dirt and the witches can smell the actual you. This means they can find you anywhere. So stay smelly, and stay safe!

5. Referring to the extremely important rule 2- Never ever go outside your house, stay inside watching t.v in the safety of your home. If you do have to venture outside, you will have to buy yourself a gas mask. If you cannot source one then DO NOT GO OUTSIDE. There is this chemical that is now in the air called oxygen. If breathed in it will keep your brain functioning properly, which we do not want as a life watching t.v is the way forward. So stay inside and keep breathing in your lovely carbon dioxide (and yes even if the air does turn a grey colour, do not open any windows or go outside, just don’t do it)

6. Have you ever heard of stairs? If so then you’ll know they’re terribly dangerous. You can get all the exercise you need by walking to the fridge and back to the couch again. So forget about going up the stairs. Sure what’s up there? You don’t need to shower anymore, and why would you ever want to sleep in a bed when you can sleep on the sofa in front of the T.V.? No downstairs toilet? No problem. Just use a bucket.

7. Get yourself a hover board ASAP! To follow this guide to be the best possible version of yourself that you can be you will need to go out and buy a hover board. Walking is a thing of the past, save your legs the unnecessary activity and zoom to the fridge from the couch on your hover board. No need to walk Moo. Hover boarding is the way forward. Also it will help create more insulation to complete rule no.3.

8. I bet everyone’s been telling you three meals is a healthy amount of food. BWAHAHAHAHA. Don’t listen to them! What about 10? Sounds good to me. How about you, Arbie?

9. Yes. And on the days when your hover board is down and you have to walk to the fridge (god forbid) add in an extra 3 meals to cover that strenuous exercise. Onto rule 9- Do not drink water, consume drinks that contain 30 grams of sugar or above per 200 ml. You will need this extra energy to keep you awake while watching t.v. The Arbie and Moo research team recently proved that sugar is the healthiest and most natural source of energy!

10. And last but not least, always wear sunglasses. Even inside at night. No natural light for us, oh no!

So I hope you enjoyed it guys! I mean obviously all our tips are the EXACT OPPOSITE to what you should do but at least you can just do the opposite and be alright.

See you next week,

Arbie and Moo.