Classes For The New Humans
Keywords
· Hot water – water that has been made hot by means of a kettle, saucepan and hob or a microwave (in dire circumstances)
· Boiling – heating up water until it is bubbling violently
· Dried leaves – leaves that have had the moisture taken out of them so that they are crumbly and an odd brown colour
· Hob – normally above an oven (but sometimes not) a.k.a. a hot plate; it is the circular thing that heats up
· Teapot – a pot made for storing tea; it has a spout – you may have heard of it in the popular nursery rhyme “I’m a little teapot” (which is a rather odd thing to sing if you think about it)
· Kettle – something used to heat water in; a saucepan may also be used, but a kettle is more popular when making tea (which is what we are focusing on today)
Necessary Equipment and Ingredients
· Water
· Hob
· Kettle
· Tea bags or leaves (I personally prefer the bags, but some would argue that leaves give a better flavour … this is nonsense)
· Teapot
· Mugs
· Milk
How
Hello! In a bit of trouble, are we? Want to learn something new? So it appears you’ve chosen how to make a “cup of tea”(although use of a mug is a more sensible choice). Well, you’ve come to the right place. The first thing you need to understand is that people like tea. A lot of people like tea. So really, you’ve made a very sensible choice in deciding to learn how to make some. Now without further ado, let’s get started.
Check the keywords. Do you know and understand them? If you don’t, go and learn them straight away. You’ll need them.
Next thing you’ll need to do is fill the kettle. This may be difficult for those that don’t know how to use taps, but for you I’m sure it’ll be a breeze.
Once the kettle is filled – no matter how long it took you – you are now ready to heat up the water. Go to your hob and turn the selected ring up to the highest temperature it can go. You may feel like somewhat of a rebel. Fortunately, this will never pass. Turning the heat to the highest it can go will always be extremely dangerous – but necessary. Once you have turned it on, it is advisable to wear thick oven gloves (these will work even with a hob) and any sort of face shield. I repeat: this is dangerous. Hot equals bad.
Put kettle on hot ring. Give yourself a pat on the back
When it’s ready you can take it off. Don’t know when it’s ready? There are a number of signals to look out for. Depending on the kettle, it may whistle or it may switch itself off. Whistling kettles are more annoying but less likely to become a member of Skynet and terminate us all.
Have you got your hot water? (Don’t touch it with your hands – even in thick gloves!) Now place a teabag or two in your teapot and pour in the water from the kettle. Then quick! Slap the lid back on the teapot.
Leave it for a few minutes. This operation is so stressful that you may need a little lie down. If so, make sure not to leave your teapot alone for too long or it may go cold. This would be terrible, because then you’d have to start all over again. And that would be the most stressful thing of all. (Or if you’re in a hurry you could pour it into a cup and heat it up in the microwave – but let’s not get ahead of ourselves)
Pour the tea from the teapot into a cup. Take your time to notice the rich brown colour it should now be. Lovely! If you haven’t left it long enough or too long it’ll be very light or very dark. Shame on you! If this is you, go back to the start and don’t even think of quitting until you get it right.
You can also add milk. I think this is necessary, but I have met a lot of people lately who think milk in tea is a disaster. I quite agree when it comes to herbal teas – but others? No! Disgraceful! Add as much milk as you like. If you dislike milk in tea, add some water to cool it down.
Approach your cup carefully. Blow on it (the tea, not the cup). There is nothing worse than a burnt tongue. When you’re sure it’s ready for consumption, take a delicate sip. If it’s ready, slurp it all down – yum, yum, yum! If not then HAHAHAHA. You just burnt your tongue.
And there you have it folks. You can now make tea. Maybe make a cup for all your friends (they only deserve one between them … or maybe you only have one friend – both options are acceptable). But otherwise I would advise keeping this sacred ritual to yourself. Trust me – they don’t deserve to know it.
Until next time you don’t know how to do something,
Moo.